One Question that Will Change Your Whole Day

One of the most empowering things I’ve started doing is asking myself really useful questions.   Until recently one of my favorites was “What kind of day do I want to have?”  This question helps to focus on what we want to accomplish and do and feel each day.  Today I want to kick butt at work.  Today I want make sure I get my work out in.  Today I want to experience a lot of happiness.  Today I want to cross everything off the Do List.  Etc., etc. 

But very recently the question evolved a little into something I REALLY LOVE! The new improved power question is “WHAT KIND OF DAY DO I WANT TO BRING INTO THE WORLD TODAY?”     

I love this slight reframe because it shifts from just thinking about getting to also focusing on giving.   Yes, I still want my knee to heal.  And yes I want to grow my business a bit.  And yes I want some personal challenges to go AWAY!  Yes, AND I also want to be kind to everyone I meet today.  I want to increase the love in the world by being loving.  I want to listen deeply to that loved one. 

Throughout the day – during work, while working out, going through the checkout line in the grocery store, etc. -- if I stay aware of the “Kind of Day I Want to Bring Into the World” I am a little kinder and more thoughtful.  And every time I have a day like that I’m automatically a little happier and more content.

So I ask YOU, what kind of day do you want to bring into our world today?    

Cylvia Hayes

Love this post?  Then please share it (and a little kindness) on Facebook.  Thanks!

Three Truths About Friends

I am feeling incredibly grateful for the amazing, generous people in my life.

I’ve spoken with so many people who have been through really challenging life situations and have lost friends in the process. I was totally shocked and deeply hurt by how many people walked away when I was in the midst of my crisis.

And here’s what I’ve learned:

1) YOU CAN’T LOSE TRUE FRIENDS!

If they abandon you when you’re at your lowest they weren’t really friends to begin with and you’re better off knowing it.

2) You never know when or where a true friend will show up.

Each time I’ve gone through a really difficult, as in life-changingly difficult situation I’ve come out the other side with, other than a very few exceptions, a whole new set of friends.

I think as we grow, as we are transformed by the things we go through, we attract different people into our lives. Those few who weather the storms and make the transformations with us are rare, and beyond special.

3) TRUE friends are PRECIOUS!

Just this past week I’ve received so much love. One old friend gifted me an amazing retreat working with Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly program. Two others gave me their time and expertise in some business dealings. One new friend who has quickly become a best friend was once again unbelievably generous with her time and brilliance. One brand new friend freely offered me her life coaching wisdom and tools, even creating a custom-designed video program for me! I was so touched by her generosity. And, then in the truly tried and true best friend category John offered complete support and encouragement as I’m embarking on a new venture.

Thank you to you all!

Cylvia Hayes

Love This post?  Please share it (and a little kindness) on Facebook.  Thank you!

Fall ... Falling Away... Falling Into Place

Today is the first day of Fall. I LOVE the turning of the seasons. And I seem to especially love it when I’m in a time of challenge and major life reinvention. Seeing Nature do her thing reminds that life goes on, things keep moving.

Autumn is a time of harvesting the hard-earned growth of previous seasons. It’s also a time of pulling in our sap and shedding the dry pieces of ourselves that no longer grow.  This includes, as starters ….

• Dry leaves
• People who are unkind and judgmental
• Habits that gnaw at our self-respect
• And perhaps, most importantly, old, outdated beliefs (especially about ourselves) that hold us back.

I love the part in the cycle where the old leaves get ground into pieces and then become rich soil for vibrant new growth and life.

Leaves … and pieces of our lives … falling away ….  and into place.

What are YOU currently harvesting?  And, what OLD, DRY things are you SHEDDING?

Happy Equinox everyone!  To shedding the old in ways that enrich the new!

Cylvia Hayes

Like this post? Please share it (and a little kindness) on Facebook. Thank you and here’s to beautiful seasons!

Relationship as Looking Glass by Cylvia Hayes

So much of life is about relationships.  Even when we aren’t thinking about it we are totally immersed in relationship.  You may go to the store to buy eggs all by yourself but in that act you are in no way alone.  There are the store owners, the store workers, the truck drivers who bring in the eggs, the farmers who keep the chickens, the people who provide the chicken feed – heck, even the chickens!  Heck, heck, even the worms that grow the food the chickens wind up eating!

Our whole existence really is about relationships.  And the quality of our lives is HUGELY affected by the quality of our relationships.  And here’s what’s really amazing, challenging and useful: Every feeling we have about our “out there” relationships reflects WHERE WE’RE At in RELATIONSHIP TO OURSELVES!

You know how sometimes that trip to the store for eggs is just great and maybe you even have a nice chat with the checker or another shopper?  And then the next time the trip is a chore and everything seems delayed and you get irritated and cranky?  Usually the differences in those experiences have way less to do with what’s going on at the grocery store than what’s going on inside of you! 

Relationships with others mirror what we’re feeling about ourselves.  Was the checker really that bad or were you preoccupied and worried about something that had nothing to do with eggs? 

Nowhere is this more clear, and powerful, than in those relationships with family, friends, co-workers – anyone that really matters to us.  And when those relationships are in difficulty the mirrors are the clearest and most informative.

I’ll give you a personal example.  Recently I had a run in with a family member that bothered me for weeks.  I asked for a personal favor and was turned down because this person thought I ought to be trying to handle the problem differently.  I felt judged, rejected and embarrassed for being in a position to need to ask for help in the first place.  

I was so uncomfortable about it all that I pulled back from the entire relationship and ran the events over and over in my mind.  I was angry and hurt, and annoyed that I kept thinking about it!  It’s said rejection leads to obsession and I was basically obsessing. 

Finally, determined to let it go, I had a breakthrough.  I realized the negative judgment hurt so much because I partially believed it about myself!  I felt like a failure for needing to ask for help.  I felt vulnerable.  I felt rejected and disempowered.  By focusing on what wasn’t working in my life instead of the 90% that was going great I had amped my own insecurity and critical self-judgment to such a point that I bought into the rejection from someone who didn’t even really know the situation.  THE ONLY THING THAT GAVE THAT PERSON’S NEGATIVE OPINION ANY WEIGHT WAS MY OWN NEGATIVE OPINION ABOUT MYSELF!

I am now hugely grateful for this outer relationship irritation and discomfort because it helped me better understand and improve my self-relationship – and, at the end of the day NOTHING has a bigger impact on our lives than that.  If there is anything I know for sure, it’s that NOTHING HAS A GREATER IMPACT ON OUR HAPPINESS or torment, our hope or despair, our success of failure than our true, deep beliefs about, and how we interact with, our Selves (Capital “S” intended).

There’s a story about how a man named Akkosa was hurling terrible insults and criticism at the Buddha.  Buddha was unmoved by the barrage of nastiness and calmly asked, “You know how people sometimes give gifts?”  Akkosa snapped that yes of course he did.  Then Buddha calmly asked, “If the person doesn’t accept that gift who does it belong to then?”  “Well, it still belongs to the giver of course!”, Akkosa snorted.  Buddha then replied, “Well, I do not accept the insults and abuse you have tried to give me today, so who really owns them?” 

AND NO ONE CAN MAKE US FEEL ANY CERTAIN WAY.       Only we choose how we will feel about the other person’s action or reaction to us.  Even that oh-so-awful feeling of rejection is something we choose to take on or not.  Taking responsibility for our feelings takes back our power. 

Glass mirrors reflect our outer appearance.  RELATIONSHIPS REFLECT OUR VIEWS ABOUT OURSELVES.  Only we have the power to decide how we see, feel about and project those reflections. 

Cylvia Hayes

Love this post?  Please share it (and a little kindness) on Facebook.  Thanks!

How to Flip a Bad Mood!

Recently I was in a pissy mood.  I was super frustrated about legal complications that were still dragging on and completely out of my control.  Several pending work projects had been delayed by over a month and I was worried, again, about how I was going to pay the bills.  Stressed, depressed and feeling stuck, I was right on the verge of just giving up on the day, grabbing the TV remote and hitting the couch.

And, then a question popped into my head – “What’s GREAT in my life right now?”  The frustrated cranky part of me tried to shake it away but soon I found myself thinking about my great relationship with John, my wonderful friends, Tessa my awesome 100-pound lapdog, my cozy little home, the sparkling summer day.  Pretty soon I realized there were actually only a couple of things going on that weren’t great!  My whole mood flipped and I had to laugh.  I realized I’d been doing a version of that thing when your hair looks great, your outfit is fantastic, but all you notice is the zit on your chin!

When I look back at even the darkest, heaviest, hardest times in my life I can see there was always a ton of good stuff too. 

What’s great right now?  This simple little question has the power to bust us right out of a bad mood because it puts us in a frame of gratitude and appreciation.  And what we appreciate appreciates!  So now, every time I find myself feeling low, fixating on the zits in my life I ask myself that simple question.

Give it a try!  WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS GREAT RIGHT NOW?  Make a list.  Say ‘em out loud.  Feeling better?! 

Cylvia Hayes

Love this post?  Then please share it (and a little kindness) on Facebook.  Thanks!

Laboring for a Saner Healthier Economy

Today is Labor Day. For most Americans, this is just another holiday that more than anything represents a change in the seasons. Children head back to school, football starts up and retail stores of all kinds offer deep discounts at end of summer sales.

Like so many national holidays Labor Day has become more about consumerism than celebrating the powerful ideals and events it represents. Labor Day is really about the incredible efforts of nineteenth century workers who stood up to the crushing power of industry and corporations and fought for eight-hour workdays and paid holidays. They came together, unionized and made huge strides in worker safety and pay equity.

Today we need another revolution, one that finds ways to overcome the enormous disparity between those at the top of the pay grade and everyone else. A revolution toward an economy and corporate structures that don’t degrade our planet and crush people in their wake.

I find it hopeful that this New Economy revolution is gaining steam. The New Economy Coalition is growing in the U.S. The Economy for the Common Good is growing in Europe and we will be introducing it to the U.S. in just two weeks. B Corporations are spreading in Europe, North American and Latin America.

There are many, many facets of this New Economy – from Triple and Quadruple Bottom Line assessments, to circular economy efforts toward Zero Waste.

Today, I’d like to highlight one piece that really suits a Labor Day lens. A growing movement around the globe is employee-owned businesses. They range from very small enterprises to large retail chains like Bi-Mart. UK mega retailer John Lewis in 100% employee owned. There are many structures from  to worker-owned cooperatives.

One aspect that I find most interesting is worker-owned unionized cooperatives.

A union co-op is a unionized worker-owned cooperative in which worker-owners all own an equal share of the business and have an equal vote in overseeing the business. Union co-ops differ from traditional worker-owned co-ops in that workers in a union co-op can appoint a management team (from within their own ranks or from outside the co-op) and then bargain collectively with management regarding wage rates, health care and other benefits, holidays, sick leave, etc.

One of the best-known union co-op efforts is taking place between the 1.2 million United Steelworkers union and Mondragon, a cluster of cooperatives in the Basque region of Spain. Mondragon employs 83,000 workers in 256 companies.

In an interview with Truth-Out Steelworkers president Leo Gerard noted that the union co-op model may offer hope for a type of workplace relationship that only has room for improvement over today’s economy. “It’s not utopia,” he said. “It’s an experiment. [But] if it works, it can’t be any worse than the system we got now.”

He went on to say, “There’s not an advanced democracy on the planet that doesn’t have a strong free labor movement. Anytime there’s been totalitarian regimes, the foundation of replacing those regimes has been workers coming together with students and other disadvantaged groups in society and fighting for democracy – democracy with a free labor movement. ……   Work is changing. You’ve got all kinds of freelancers. We’re going to grow, and we’re going to have to modernize. There are models out there that have to be experimented with, and the union co-op is one of those models.”

Today while kids enjoy the last day of summer freedom and lots of shoppers go hunting for close-out deals on patio furniture, many union members will gather for picnics, bar-be-ques and rallies in support of worker solidarity. I for one, am glad to see unions still alive, evolving and innovating. In the world of mega-mega-corporations and money-viewed-as-free-speech the right to band together and demand fairness has never been more important.

Cylvia Hayes

Like this post?  Please share it on Facebook.  Thank you!

Climate Change Marches in Olympics by Cylvia Hayes`

Powerful to see climate change focus during opening ceremony of Olympic games in Rio. My 3EStrategies' blog features a Grist article that describes it and offers a clip. Having several times been in Rio and other parts of Brazil working on sustainability issues I know the country has its own sustainability and climate work to do. However, making the decision to include this very clear and direct piece on climate change in the ceremonies was a great way to harness the visibility of the games to raise awareness and catalyze action.

For some reason this has me thinking of that wonderful scene in Lord of the Rings, Two Towers:

Frodo says, “I can’t do this, Sam.”

Sam: “I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out all the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding onto something.”

Frodo: “What are we holding onto, Sam?”

Sam: “That there’s some good in this world, Mr Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.”

This magnificent planet is indeed worth fighting for! Glad to see some of the Games harnessed on her behalf. Every step toward the Common Good matters.

Cylvia Hayes

Like this post? Please share it on Facebook. Thank you!

Moms, Mirrors, Landmines and Love by Cylvia Hayes

I went to the airport yesterday to begin a journey that had nothing to do with getting on a place. No, I went to the airport to pick up my mother! This is the first time she has travelled to see me. It will be the very first time she meets my friends and my regular life. She will be staying with me in my small house. Yikes!   Yes, definitely a journey and one of unknown destination or outcome!

My brother is also here and that brings its own dynamic -- some lovely, some super challenging. It’s safe to say there is a lot of emotional charge between the three of us.

Like so many families mine has been a navigational odyssey. There has been a lot of pain and a lot of love. There were long years with very little contact followed by surprisingly warm, deep reconnections.

For many, many years I believed I had no need of family. I had, in fact, created a “family” of trusted friends, loved ones who I consider my non-DNA family to this day. And yet, whether I wanted to admit it or not, the desire to be connected with my parents and siblings was always there like a subtle magnetic field pulling toward a distant object.

I am very grateful that over the past several years the rifts between us have been closing and love is growing. However in these life-long, yet very new relationships lies tremendous vulnerability. It is, in fact, with family that we are often at our most vulnerable. Old hurts, tired patterns, and assumptions based on things that happened long ago.

Just before my family’s arrival I had asked for some help for the first time in decades and was met with rejection, judgment and conditionality and I was STINGING from it! I felt exposed, embarrassed, wildly uncomfortable and angry.

I knew this meant that I was likely to be even more highly sensitive and defensive toward them than usual as we came together for the first time on the home turf of my everyday life. But I also knew that if I could set aside the hurt, focus on the love, and at least somewhat objectively observe our interactions I could learn some things about my family and myself.

There is probably no better mirror into one’s own state of being and development than our responses when we bump into family dynamics and personalities! I know from personal, and truthfully often painful experience that there are huge growth opportunities in learning to change how we react to those interactions.

Being open to such learning was the strong intention I was holding as I, my mom and brother sat down to dinner and the first joint conversation of our visit.   The tension was strong. Old sibling rivalries and control games rippled just beneath the surface. We spoke mostly of fairly safe subjects and the few times that went deeper ended in silence. I realized with a stab of tremendous insecurity how much I wanted them to really hear and understand and approve of me. And then, a nuanced expression, a fact one tried to conceal showed me that they too were masking insecurities. They too were navigating triggers and emotions and old baggage.

In that moment my heart softened. I was able to see past the judge to the flawed, but genuinely good person I loved. I recognized that the only criticism that really hurt me was in places where I was harshly judging myself. Looking into that mirror I saw areas where I had been viewing myself as unworthy. With this new insight I can change those self-defeating judgments. What a gift!

And so, sitting here with a bit of alone time in between the charged episodes of family immersion I am making a vow that, over the next two weeks, as these rubs and irritations occur I am going to do my level best to switch from angrily thinking, “Here we go again …” to opening my heart, trusting myself, loving my family and saying, “Here I GROW again!”

Wish me (and us) luck!

Cylvia Hayes

Love this post? Please share it (and a little kindness) on Facebook. Thanks!