I have never been this ready for a year to come to a close. I know January 1st is just another day but this time it seems much more.
A few days ago I was meeting with an author friend of mine. We were discussing what a challenging year it had been for me, for her and for so many other people we know – divorces, death of loved ones, major health issues. I had purchased a copy of her book and, as we were chatting, I asked her to sign it. She did, smiled and handed it back to me. Inside the front cover she had written, “To Cylvia, You’ve had the worst year of all. Congrats!” We both laughed.
I think it’s safe to say that when your own personal public shaming winds up in multiple media sources as one of the Top Stories of 2015, it’s been a challenging year! So yes, I am ready for a new year, but I don’t mean that I just want to put 2015 behind me and forget it. I mean I am ready for what’s coming next. This past year has been one of the hardest, but also one of the richest, periods in my life. The pain was intense but the growth is intensely exciting. It was a year of gifts wrapped in barbwire.
One year ago, for the first time in my adult life, I did not set any New Year’s goals. My life seemed too shattered and uncertain to think about goals; I was just trying to survive each day.
I feel very grateful now, one year later, to find myself setting goals again. I recognize that life is still uncertain but I am much more comfortable with that now. Some of the complications that exploded in 2015 are still unresolved but I am making resolutions nonetheless. However, there is a difference. I cannot deny that I have been altered by the experiences of 2015 and I feel those changes reflected in the nature of the goals I find myself setting. I’m still setting more typical of me goals for my business and my writing and my physical fitness but I also find myself adding intentions such as:
In 2015 I lost my old life and much of my old identity. In that agonizing loss I found deeper aspects of my Self. I found a new, more peaceful way of being. I found my true voice. And now as I look forward to a brand new baby year I am asking what song is wanting to sing through me? I take a deep breath, open my mouth and sing “Hello and Hallelujah” to new beginnings.
By Cylvia Hayes
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Thursday, December 31, 2015
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Forgive and Forward by Cylvia Hayes
Forgiving is no simple thing. There’s a quote attributed to both Buddha and Ghandi along the lines of, “Hating someone is like drinking rat poison expecting the other guy to die.” I get it intellectually, but man, with the handful of those who attacked most viciously or professed to be friends but weren’t it is taking serious commitment to move beyond intellectual understanding to real forgiveness.
I want to forgive -- not
because I think they were justified, or were in the right, but because I don’t
want to add to the ugliness. I don’t
want to contribute to the anger, the hatred, the meanness and lack of love that
is behind so much of the misery in our world.
I want to forgive -- not to forget
or condone what was done but to find peace.
I’ve heard it said that when we feel anger we’re being human but when we
stay locked in anger we’re being prisoners.
I’ve made a lot of progress. The anger has eased a lot.
One exercise I’ve been
working with is to better understand, and even recognize within myself, some of
those darker human traits like the desire to tear others down to feel somehow
better about our own small lives. It is
humbling to admit I have at times felt a little delight when a certain
successful person got knocked down a few pegs.
It is even more humbling to realize those feelings came from my own
sense of inferiority and misplaced competitiveness. I am acutely aware of those types of feelings
now and far less likely to harbor them.
For that growth I am deeply grateful.
These insights are helping me to turn the arrows into flowers.
I’ve also been working with
the beautiful Book of Forgiving,
written by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho. The book is written for individuals exploring forgiveness
but it pulls from some of the incredibly powerful healing that took place in
South Africa, through the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, addressing the
atrocities of apartheid. It is a
treasure chest of wisdom and helpful exercises.
It drives home the point that forgiving is not about, or for, those who
harmed you. It’s about you.
Forgiving isn’t saying what they
did was OK. It’s saying what they did no
longer has control over me. The number
one dictionary definition of forgive is to “stop being angry about
something.” It’s not about absolving the
perpetrator; it’s about choosing how you want to feel. It’s about choosing your power. I am actively forgiving because I am moving
forward.
Oprah
Winfrey said, “True forgiveness is when
you can say, "Thank you for that experience.” I’m getting there and I’m grateful for
that.
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By Cylvia Hayes
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Goliath or the Princess? by Cylvia Hayes
The past several weeks I’ve been taking a self-development course that is mostly taught by author and speaker Mary Morrissey. She is a fabulous storyteller and recently told the story of David and Goliath from a slightly different angle, something along these lines.
The Israelites, led by King Saul were at war with the Philistines. In those days war was very much a hand-to-hand affair. Huge masses of soldiers from each army camped in the hills surrounding a large valley. In the morning they would come down from the hills, form ranks and plunge into one another. Let’s just say you would really, really prefer to be at the back of the line. After butchering one another all day, both armies would retreat into the hills for the night to eat, rest and prepare to repeat it all over again the following day.
Each day, as the battle was ready to begin a huge giant of a man in the Philistine army stepped forward and shouted the challenge that they could end the battle through a one-on-one duel if anyone in the Israelite army would face him. The giant of course, was named Goliath. All of the Israeli soldiers were too terrified to fight him, and so, the bloodbath continued day after day.
David was the youngest son in his family. Three of his older brothers were soldiers in Saul’s army. David’s family had kept him back from fighting but did regularly send him into the soldier’s camp to take food to his brothers. One day, David arrived in camp just as Goliath was calling out his challenge. David pushed his way through the mass of terrified soldiers to get a glimpse of the giant.
As he was watching the huge beast of a man taunting his people he overheard some of the soldiers saying that if anyone killed Goliath King Saul would reward him with great riches and he and his family would never have to pay taxes again and, on top of that, he’d be given the hand of the princess in marriage. David was very excited at the thought of all of those treasures. He asked over and over, “Is it true that the king will give riches and the princess to the one who defeats Goliath?!” All confirmed that that was what the king had said.
David couldn’t get it out of his mind. All he thought about was how great it would be to have that wealth and for his family to be free of the burden of taxes. And oh the princess! He’d heard tales of her beauty, and that she bathed in perfume! He imagined what it would be like to stand near her loveliness, to take her hand, to hold her, and to …..! With his whole mind and heart focused on wanting that outcome he said he would fight Goliath.
His brothers, other soldiers, even the King said he was crazy, just a boy, a shepherd, not a warrior, but David didn’t even really hear them. He had faith in himself and in God.
When Goliath roared his challenge David didn’t so much see the Giant as the lovely prize that waited beyond. Ignoring odds and detractors, he took a rock in his sling, just as he’d done against lions and bears who were going after his family’s sheep, twirled and hurled with the strength of his vision and conviction and toppled the giant.
Perhaps instead of David and Goliath this story ought to be called David and the Princess?!
What if problems aren’t just obstacles we have to overcome, barriers that are delaying us from reaching our dreams, but are actually the very vehicles through which those dreams reach us? Ralph Waldo Emerson advised, “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” Perhaps by focusing more on what we want, on our own personal princesses, we can shrink our giants and demons. I have been running a bit of an experiment. I am schooling myself to think of my goliaths as wee little gnats unworthy of my time and my princesses as uber-powerful. Do you spend more time focusing on your problems than on your dreams? What is your powerful princess?
By Cylvia Hayes
Love this post please like it on Facebook. Thank you!
The Israelites, led by King Saul were at war with the Philistines. In those days war was very much a hand-to-hand affair. Huge masses of soldiers from each army camped in the hills surrounding a large valley. In the morning they would come down from the hills, form ranks and plunge into one another. Let’s just say you would really, really prefer to be at the back of the line. After butchering one another all day, both armies would retreat into the hills for the night to eat, rest and prepare to repeat it all over again the following day.
Each day, as the battle was ready to begin a huge giant of a man in the Philistine army stepped forward and shouted the challenge that they could end the battle through a one-on-one duel if anyone in the Israelite army would face him. The giant of course, was named Goliath. All of the Israeli soldiers were too terrified to fight him, and so, the bloodbath continued day after day.
David was the youngest son in his family. Three of his older brothers were soldiers in Saul’s army. David’s family had kept him back from fighting but did regularly send him into the soldier’s camp to take food to his brothers. One day, David arrived in camp just as Goliath was calling out his challenge. David pushed his way through the mass of terrified soldiers to get a glimpse of the giant.
As he was watching the huge beast of a man taunting his people he overheard some of the soldiers saying that if anyone killed Goliath King Saul would reward him with great riches and he and his family would never have to pay taxes again and, on top of that, he’d be given the hand of the princess in marriage. David was very excited at the thought of all of those treasures. He asked over and over, “Is it true that the king will give riches and the princess to the one who defeats Goliath?!” All confirmed that that was what the king had said.
David couldn’t get it out of his mind. All he thought about was how great it would be to have that wealth and for his family to be free of the burden of taxes. And oh the princess! He’d heard tales of her beauty, and that she bathed in perfume! He imagined what it would be like to stand near her loveliness, to take her hand, to hold her, and to …..! With his whole mind and heart focused on wanting that outcome he said he would fight Goliath.
His brothers, other soldiers, even the King said he was crazy, just a boy, a shepherd, not a warrior, but David didn’t even really hear them. He had faith in himself and in God.
When Goliath roared his challenge David didn’t so much see the Giant as the lovely prize that waited beyond. Ignoring odds and detractors, he took a rock in his sling, just as he’d done against lions and bears who were going after his family’s sheep, twirled and hurled with the strength of his vision and conviction and toppled the giant.
Perhaps instead of David and Goliath this story ought to be called David and the Princess?!
What if problems aren’t just obstacles we have to overcome, barriers that are delaying us from reaching our dreams, but are actually the very vehicles through which those dreams reach us? Ralph Waldo Emerson advised, “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” Perhaps by focusing more on what we want, on our own personal princesses, we can shrink our giants and demons. I have been running a bit of an experiment. I am schooling myself to think of my goliaths as wee little gnats unworthy of my time and my princesses as uber-powerful. Do you spend more time focusing on your problems than on your dreams? What is your powerful princess?
By Cylvia Hayes
Love this post please like it on Facebook. Thank you!
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Giving and Receiving by Cylvia Hayes
This is a time of year with a lot of emphasis on giving. There’s Thanks-giving and the consumer mania of Black Friday and Cyber Monday. And now there’s Giving Tuesday. I’m not yet sure how I feel about that last one. I almost did a post the night before Giving Tuesday to promote it but something just didn’t feel quite right about it. The next morning my inbox was flooded with fundraising pleas from dozens of non-profit organizations. Although I support their good work, I was turned off by the impersonal, consumerist feel of the Giving Tuesday hype.
For me giving and receiving has taken on new meaning and I only want personal, authentic givers and receivers in my life. Having recently learned the hard way that many who profess to be friends really aren’t, I now much more deeply appreciate the gift of true friendship. There is something so beautiful in the simple act of one human-being really listening, offering up their time and attention to another. I am much more aware of when I am on the receiving end of these gifts and much more generous when in the givers seat. One of the very best gifts for both the giver and receiver is to be deeply present with one another. Genuine human caring fills a void that Black Friday just can’t touch.
I’ve also had some insights into the importance not just of giving gifts, but of giving our gifts. When my career was abruptly sidelined I lost the vehicle through which I felt like I was making a positive contribution. This was indescribably painful and I knew that in order to cope with the ongoing ordeal of public shaming I needed to find ways to feel like I was making a difference. So, I started volunteering for causes I care about – rescuing and rehabilitating injured wildlife and freeing dogs from lives lived on the end of a chain. Giving my time, compassion and even my construction skills has touched many critters’ lives but I received the biggest gift – the fabulous feeling of using my time and talents to bring some healing and love into the world.
And then there are the unexpected gifts, some of which are wrapped in barbed wire! For instance, the blessing of time and deep reflection that came with the unplanned screeching halt of my busy and important professional life. I certainly wouldn’t have taken the time for the deep meditation, reflection and spiritual study had I still been caught in the hectic pace of my busyness. I have grown so much through these practices that as my career, my outer work, is now moving forward again, I am going about it differently, continuing to prioritize time for the inner work. The treasures I’m finding there are priceless.
So yeah, I’ll buy a few presents for my special people and I’ll donate to organizations I support, and as I’ve been since I was a little girl, I’ll be overly excited to open any presents with my name on them! But it’s the deeper gift, the gift of our true and genuine selves, the gift of time genuinely and lovingly spent together, that I’ll be most looking forward to unwrapping.
For me giving and receiving has taken on new meaning and I only want personal, authentic givers and receivers in my life. Having recently learned the hard way that many who profess to be friends really aren’t, I now much more deeply appreciate the gift of true friendship. There is something so beautiful in the simple act of one human-being really listening, offering up their time and attention to another. I am much more aware of when I am on the receiving end of these gifts and much more generous when in the givers seat. One of the very best gifts for both the giver and receiver is to be deeply present with one another. Genuine human caring fills a void that Black Friday just can’t touch.
I’ve also had some insights into the importance not just of giving gifts, but of giving our gifts. When my career was abruptly sidelined I lost the vehicle through which I felt like I was making a positive contribution. This was indescribably painful and I knew that in order to cope with the ongoing ordeal of public shaming I needed to find ways to feel like I was making a difference. So, I started volunteering for causes I care about – rescuing and rehabilitating injured wildlife and freeing dogs from lives lived on the end of a chain. Giving my time, compassion and even my construction skills has touched many critters’ lives but I received the biggest gift – the fabulous feeling of using my time and talents to bring some healing and love into the world.
And then there are the unexpected gifts, some of which are wrapped in barbed wire! For instance, the blessing of time and deep reflection that came with the unplanned screeching halt of my busy and important professional life. I certainly wouldn’t have taken the time for the deep meditation, reflection and spiritual study had I still been caught in the hectic pace of my busyness. I have grown so much through these practices that as my career, my outer work, is now moving forward again, I am going about it differently, continuing to prioritize time for the inner work. The treasures I’m finding there are priceless.
So yeah, I’ll buy a few presents for my special people and I’ll donate to organizations I support, and as I’ve been since I was a little girl, I’ll be overly excited to open any presents with my name on them! But it’s the deeper gift, the gift of our true and genuine selves, the gift of time genuinely and lovingly spent together, that I’ll be most looking forward to unwrapping.
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